Jokes

“W” Presidential Library – the inside edition

George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You’ll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man’s legacy. The Library will include:

  • The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
  • The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can’t remember anything.

  • The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t have to even show up.
  • The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
  • The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
  • The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).
  • The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tours.
  • The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

  • The K-Street Project Gift Shop – where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
  • The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

 

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President’s ego.

To highlight the President’s accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

 When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.

 

Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

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Martha’s Way –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.                                     

Maxine’s Way –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!                                     

Martha’s Way –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.    

Maxine’s Way –

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.  

                                  

Martha’s Way –

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.    

Maxine’s Way –

Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.  

                                  

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Martha’s Way –

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’    

Maxine’s Way –

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’                                     

Martha’s Way –

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.    

Maxine’s Way –

Celery? Never heard of it!                                       

Martha’s Way –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.    

Maxine’s Way –

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.    

Maxine’s Way –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!  

                                   

Martha’s Way –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.  

Maxine’s Way –

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.    

Maxine’s Way –

Leftover wine ???????????           HELLLLLOOOOO !!!!!!!

Men don’t listen !

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Marion’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check …” Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

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When the repairman arrived at Marion’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. 

  the-repairman-2.jpg  watching-the-repairman.jpg  squawkingparrot.gif

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut-up, you stupid, ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”   dog-attacks-man.jpg

See,  Men just don’t listen!     att00001.jpg     laughing.jpg

True Story !!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding …   pulled-over.jpg

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding .

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see…

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The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

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Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

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Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies          dont-mess-with-old-ladies.gif

It pays to think outside the box

Forwarded email is funny sometimes:

It pays to think outside the box!

 

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “senior special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

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“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?”, my wife asked incredulously.

“YES!”, stated the waitress.

“I’ll take the special then”, my wife said.

”How do you want your eggs?”, the waitress asked.

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

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DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!      We’ve been around the block more than once.

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And Finally…

— It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked.

“Yes or no”, she replied.

 

— A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

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— A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

 

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— The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

 

— A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” 

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

 

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A New Meaning to “Forever Stamps”

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 A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

 

 

The clerk says, “What denomination?” The blonde says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

 

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