Jokes

“W” Presidential Library – the inside edition

George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You’ll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man’s legacy. The Library will include:

  • The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
  • The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can’t remember anything.

  • The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t have to even show up.
  • The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
  • The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
  • The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).
  • The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tours.
  • The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

  • The K-Street Project Gift Shop – where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
  • The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

 

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President’s ego.

To highlight the President’s accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

 When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.

 

Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

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Martha’s Way –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.                                     

Maxine’s Way –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!                                     

Martha’s Way –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.    

Maxine’s Way –

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.  

                                  

Martha’s Way –

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.    

Maxine’s Way –

Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.  

                                  

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Martha’s Way –

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’    

Maxine’s Way –

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’                                     

Martha’s Way –

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.    

Maxine’s Way –

Celery? Never heard of it!                                       

Martha’s Way –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.    

Maxine’s Way –

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.    

Maxine’s Way –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!  

                                   

Martha’s Way –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.  

Maxine’s Way –

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.    

Maxine’s Way –

Leftover wine ???????????           HELLLLLOOOOO !!!!!!!

Men don’t listen !

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Marion’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check …” Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

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When the repairman arrived at Marion’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. 

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The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut-up, you stupid, ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”   dog-attacks-man.jpg

See,  Men just don’t listen!     att00001.jpg     laughing.jpg