Funny

“W” Presidential Library – the inside edition

George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You’ll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man’s legacy. The Library will include:

  • The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
  • The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can’t remember anything.

  • The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t have to even show up.
  • The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
  • The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
  • The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).
  • The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tours.
  • The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

  • The K-Street Project Gift Shop – where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
  • The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

 

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President’s ego.

To highlight the President’s accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

 When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.

 

U.S. economy rebounds thanks to huge growth of farmers markets

WASHINGTON– In a surprising turn of events, new financial data from the Federal Reserve brought jubilation to both Main Street and Wall Street yesterday as the economic picture for job growth, new business starts and overall household income improved markedly improved since last month. But financial analysts were bewildered about the source of this sudden economic rebound: farmers markets reopening for spring with fresh produce.

“The looming economic recession that kept Americans on the edge of their seats for the past months has been entirely and unexpectedly averted by an infusion of revenue generated at local farmers markets,” said a grinning Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, at an appearance with President Bush at a farmers market in suburban Reston, Virginia. “We should never have underestimated the economic prowess of public markets simply because of their small size, lack of business experience, or previously tiny share of the commodity system.

 clip_image003_0004_large.jpg George Bush and Ben Bernanke

The outlook is even rosier for April and May, as farmer’s markets reopen in many states outside the Sun Belt. Concerns were raised by many economists about what happens late next fall when local farmers markets shut down at the end of harvest season, but Congress was busy all day yesterday drafting emergency legislation to construct thousands of indoor year-round public markets.

The Clinton-McCain-Obama Act, named for its chief sponsors, passed unanimously in both the House and Senate yesterday and was signed by President Bush in a special ceremony at Washington’s Eastern Market this morning. It appropriates more than $37 billion dollars to construct and manage indoor public markets in every county seat and community of more than 2500 people across America.

“Obviously, these sources of local food, public gathering places, and intra-neighborhood commerce are the engine that will drive the economy of the United States,” Bush said as several members of the White House press corps fainted in shock.

While this marks a sudden and fundamental shift in the Bush Administration’s policy, press secretary Dana Perino reminded reporters, “George Bush and Dick Cheney have always been true believers in market economics.”

“This administration may have devoted too much attention to large businesses in our first seven years,” Perino admitted. “But in our last ten months we will do everything possible to level the playing field by boosting small-scale farmers and enterprises that serve Americans right in their communities. Farmers markets are just the beginning. We also intend to boost small, independent neighborhood businesses.”

Economic analysts attribute this huge growth in farmers markets to consumers’ newfound interest in eating locally-sourced food, improving public health, boosting their local economies, creating community gathering places and supporting small, environmentally-friendly farmers everywhere.

“We must publicly acknowledge the new power of farmers markets in the U.S., and admit that we have so far missed the boat on what consumers want: healthy, locally-grown food,” said Alice Walton, daughter of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton. “We cannot stand in the way of progress. We plan to add organic farmers markets to each Wal-Mart store and will look into tearing up the parking lots to plant heirloom tomatoes.”

Interest in locally produced food is expected to grow substantially, fueled in part by a report to be released next week by the federal Centers for Disease Control that unearths long-buried research establishing clear links between eating locally and wildly prolonged human life expectancy.

Read this and all the other April 1 News at Faking Places. Hope your day was a pleasant one…

Winning $276 million Powerball ticket sold in WVA

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Go Figure !

One person, gee, what do you think they will do with the money?

If a winner chooses to take the estimated $275 million in annual payments, the prize would be the equivalent of a salary of about $35,256 a day based upon an average, 40 hour a week job. The cash equivalent, or lump sum payment would be approximately $135,700,000.

One of the tickets sold in West Virginia for the Powerball game Saturday night matched all six numbers drawn, which were:

6, 22, 42, 43 and 47. The Powerball was 16 and the Power Play was two.

The Powerball Web site says nearly 2 million other players won prizes totaling more than $12 million.

Tickets that match the first five numbers, but miss the Powerball, win $200,000 each, and there were twelve of those. They were sold in: Arizona, Colorado, Kentucky(2), Louisiana, Minnesota, North Carolina(2), Pennsylvania(3) and Wisconsin.

There were two Power Play Match 5 winners in the states of: Iowa and North Carolina.

The estimated jackpot for Wednesday is 15 million dollars.

Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

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Martha’s Way –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.                                     

Maxine’s Way –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!                                     

Martha’s Way –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.    

Maxine’s Way –

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.  

                                  

Martha’s Way –

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.    

Maxine’s Way –

Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.  

                                  

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Martha’s Way –

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’    

Maxine’s Way –

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’                                     

Martha’s Way –

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.    

Maxine’s Way –

Celery? Never heard of it!                                       

Martha’s Way –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.    

Maxine’s Way –

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.    

Maxine’s Way –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!  

                                   

Martha’s Way –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.  

Maxine’s Way –

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.    

Maxine’s Way –

Leftover wine ???????????           HELLLLLOOOOO !!!!!!!

Headlines sell papers, content brings them back

Often, we are stirred to emotional response by the headlines of a “news” article, opinion page, and yes, even a blog headline.

A current article in today’s Gazette makes us chuckle a bit: “How Liquor Stores Stack Up in Gaston County”.

At first glance, without reading the article, one would think (even the simpletons who edit these pages), that we have stacks of ABC stores in our backwoods lovin’ neighborhoods.

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You could have a stack of books, a stack of boxes, or a stack of pallets, but stacking up liquor stores?

Of course it made us look — you did too if you clicked on the link or read it in the paper.

The content of the story is trying to make a case to combine all the community’s ABC boards into one (Re: Gastonia), and to point out that the smaller towns don’t know how to market their local operations. And of course, the Gastonia ABC general manager points out that people want to shop at larger, well lit stores. (Re: Gastonia –Cox Road or Long Avenue).

Well, we haven’t seen either dirty or poorly lit stores in either Cramerton or Mt. Holly. Yes, the selection of product is smaller, and as most retail outlets will demonstrate, product offerings tend to follow local consumer demand. Certain items that sell well at Cox Road might not do well or even be offered at Mt. Holly. We get a kick out of the fact that a Harris Teeter is nearby the Cox Road store, and “Always Low Prices” Food Lion is next to the Cramerton and Mt. Holly stores.

Hmmm…

Mt. Holly and Cramerton have Belmont’s business depending on which side of town you are coming from. It certainly is more convenient most of the time to shop locally.

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Good for the Gazette trying to imply that the yokels outside of Gastonia don’t know what they are doing. It certainly sold a couple of papers.

Men don’t listen !

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Marion’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check …” Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

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When the repairman arrived at Marion’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. 

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The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut-up, you stupid, ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”   dog-attacks-man.jpg

See,  Men just don’t listen!     att00001.jpg     laughing.jpg

Interesting Blogs

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Our group of editors like to read other blogs for ideas, style, and interesting articles by other people.

Many blogs out there in the “world” can be really scary. We found one that has been very popular within the past month called, Stuff White People Like. Just putting the link here and not posting it to the blog roll is probably all we are willing to do right now.

Have you ever seen nine people try to push each other into the bushes? It’s not a pretty site, even with glasses of Pinot Grigrio, or Merlot in hand. It’s easier with a Budweiser though…

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In our opinion it is a funny and thought-provoking cultural view. Any thoughts from ya’ll?