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Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

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Martha’s Way –

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.                                     

Maxine’s Way –

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!                                     

Martha’s Way –

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.    

Maxine’s Way –

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.  

                                  

Martha’s Way –

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.    

Maxine’s Way –

Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.  

                                  

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Martha’s Way –

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’    

Maxine’s Way –

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’                                     

Martha’s Way –

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.    

Maxine’s Way –

Celery? Never heard of it!                                       

Martha’s Way –

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.    

Maxine’s Way –

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.    

Maxine’s Way –

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!  

                                   

Martha’s Way –

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.  

Maxine’s Way –

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.                                     

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Martha’s Way –

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.    

Maxine’s Way –

Leftover wine ???????????           HELLLLLOOOOO !!!!!!!

Men don’t listen !

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Marion’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check …” Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

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When the repairman arrived at Marion’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. 

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The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut-up, you stupid, ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”   dog-attacks-man.jpg

See,  Men just don’t listen!     att00001.jpg     laughing.jpg

It pays to think outside the box

Forwarded email is funny sometimes:

It pays to think outside the box!

 

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “senior special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

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“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?”, my wife asked incredulously.

“YES!”, stated the waitress.

“I’ll take the special then”, my wife said.

”How do you want your eggs?”, the waitress asked.

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

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DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!      We’ve been around the block more than once.

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Be Careful Out There !

A tearful older citizen and frequent belmontfrontporch visitor stopped by a couple of days ago on her morning walk. What happened we inquired?

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She had received an email notice from whom she thought was the IRS. The email suggested that she had a refund due, and to “click here”. Well she did, because there was a notice at the bottom that threatened audits of her future filings. Lo, and Behold, her email was soon flooded with spam selling everything from apple pies to porn — mostly porn.

The Belmont Front Porch’s crack investigative team jumped into action ! private-eye.jpg

We tracked down an official Internal Revenue Service (IRS) site, called to inquire, and found out some good information.

It took some doing, we all know how government “services” work and the time waiting, but it was worth the effort. We started with the IRS website at www.irs.gov, looked all over and found 1-800-829-1040. We then found 1-800-829-1954 and spoke with a representative of the service.

As we explained the issue, the customer service rep assured us that the IRS does not send emails, especially about refunds due. We were referred to another number, which is a tech center to discuss the spam attack. That number is 1-800-366-4484. There, they will give you instructions about how to report the phishing scam and ways to protect future issues.  

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As always, be careful online, in the neighborhood, and in your car. Being aware of your surroundings will help you be safer.

FW:FW:FW:FW:FW Emails

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Don’t you just love it when your email in-box is flooded with forwarded emails that people think are funny?

 

Here are a few from the last couple of days: 

 

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of thumb”

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S . in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades – King David; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs – Alexander, the Great; Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?  A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?      A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”? A. One thousand 

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?   A. All were invented by women.

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.